how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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