i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
