my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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