My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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