I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
