I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
