mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
