Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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