My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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