What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
