best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize