my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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