The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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