did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
