This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Randomize
