: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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