Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
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