i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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