You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
