She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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