Kareoke will never be a sober sport
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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