her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
