oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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