The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize