are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
