everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
