Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize