2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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