remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
