he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
