I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
