I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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