I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
