If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
