My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
