My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The adults are the big ones right?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
