you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
