Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
