her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
