At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
