I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
