they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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