I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
