I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
