Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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