Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
