wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
