it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
