I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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