Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
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