Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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