I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
