What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
