We won't sleep together?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize