I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
