Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
