so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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