Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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