I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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