for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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