I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
