you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
