phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
