WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
