I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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