Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
