i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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