Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
