Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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